SPEAKER_03 0:00

Welcome to Fucking My Way to Enlightenment. We are in Barcelona today with Kimberly Ann, who's a somatic sexologist, a coach, but also a writer and producer of um adult films with uh Erica Las, Lastury, and um Afterglow. And welcome and tell us a little more about your background.

SPEAKER_01 0:20

Hi, thank you for having me. Uh yeah, I have been working in the porn industry for seven going on eight years. I've mostly worked in kind of porn for women spaces. Um, companies that kind of keep that on their title a little bit. That for me has always been an important piece is helping women. And I've done any everything from producing adult films, writing them. I have been the editor of a couple of their online magazines, and that's what I currently do now. Uh working for Lustery, I manage Lustry POV, which is an online mag where we work with couples where they can share a little bit about how they like to have sex, and then we kind of weave in expert opinions on um sexual acts, essentially. And beyond that, I am also a somatic sexologist and somatic coach.

SPEAKER_03 1:16

Amazing. So you're the right person to talk about sex today here. Sex, banging, making sweet, sweet love, shagging. What do you normally go for? What's your favorite phrase?

SPEAKER_01 1:27

My personal favorite is fucking. I honestly curse way too much. I will go on forever with fuck fuck fuck. And if I could say that on Instagram, I would say it probably all the time.

SPEAKER_03 1:38

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Here we are.

SPEAKER_01 1:41

I'm censored way too much with that one, but yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:45

And how did you um so they're talking about your latest stint as a somatic sexologist? What does uh somatic sexologist do? Because I'm not sure if everybody will know uh from our audiences.

SPEAKER_01 1:56

Yeah, so uh simple definition of a somatic sexologist. Well, I'll kind of break it down. Uh sexologists would be studying the science of sex, essentially, where the somatic piece was something that was very important to me when I was seeking a sexology program. And somatics is relies on somatic therapy, which is looking at the body before anything else. So it's a bottom-up approach to therapy as opposed to top-down. So rather than us continually talking our way through things, it's like what is happening within the body to help us understand how we might feel about something? You know, what are physiological responses that we're having to a sexual situation, for example, so that we can utilize that as knowledge as to whether it's something that's for us or not for us.

SPEAKER_03 2:50

Amazing. And uh, did you always dream of becoming a sexologist or work in a porn industry? The insect, basically, as a little girl? How did you get into it?

SPEAKER_01 2:59

Honestly, it's really funny because looking back now, I'm like, have I always been obsessed with sex? I remember when I was a teenager and going through puberty and starting to see things that were turning me on, having no idea what I was doing or what's going on. I remember when my parents would go to bed, HBO had these like adult late-night shows. And there was one that was like Katie Morgan, who's a prolific porn star, at least used to be, and uh callers would call in, ask questions, and she nude would give tips almost like a sexologist. Like she would go through the anatomy and she would show scenes from things. It was, you know, I was getting turned on by it at the same time. And that was also when I realized I was a bisexual. So like I learned about my sexuality. The first things that ever turned me on was a Playboy magazine and Katie Morgan on HBO. And yeah, so there was that. And then from there, I had a tough situation happen to me when I was in high school. Uh, it was just like starting to explore sex for the first time with someone else. I was about 16 years old, and at a high school party, there was alcohol, and I was raped by a friend. And when that happened, I blacked it out. Before that, there was this piece of me that was very curious about sex and wanted to explore. And I found myself curious about it. But once that happened, that kind of shut down and I didn't know why because I had blocked it out. And so it wasn't until I was in college and I was studying human rights, I realized that I was very drawn towards things within human rights where I felt like people were losing bodily autonomy. And I realized for me, the most basic human right is that individuals have bodily autonomy. And my advisor at the time suggested that I take a human trafficking course. And it was in that class that we started studying sex trafficking. And we had sex workers come in. This was in the Bay Area in California, so very progressive place to be in college. And these sex workers were talking about how much they loved the work that they were doing. They had master's degrees, they were basically going against the stigma and the stereotype of what it meant to be a sex worker. And I just was like, I am so glad I came to class today. I mean, these women were just talking about how all they really wanted was to be able to unionize. And they wanted when things happened to them, they wanted support from basic social services and things like that. And they wanted their job to be seen as a legitimate job. So then, fast forward a little bit, I ended up getting a master's degree and tried, I tried to focus my master's thesis on the issue of conflating sex work and sex trafficking, but my school actually made me take a little bit of a detour because I was advocating too much for sex workers and it went against the school's policies for their like board or whatever it was. Um, so yeah, I think that really drove this passion of like, now I really want to advocate for sex workers. And I ended up getting an internship at Erica Lust, and that kind of started everything.

SPEAKER_03 6:33

What does the interview for an internship with Erica Lust look like?

SPEAKER_01 6:37

I honestly can't even remember, but I do remember my first few months, I was like, oh my gosh, like this is crazy. You know, this was the start of a sexual awakening for me. That really was the start of my sexual awakening. Was you know, when you start to talk about sex on a day-to-day basis and you start to talk about everything from anal sex, pegging to threesomes to everything across the board, and you're watching it as well, it all starts to feel normal and it becomes easier to talk about. And yeah.

SPEAKER_03 7:11

How did your personal um journey, personal sexual liberation journey, kind of accompanied your awakening within the industry?

SPEAKER_01 7:19

Yeah. So when I look at how I was sexually from, you know, adolescence up until now, it's like I started a pretty sexual person compared to, you know, say my sister or people around me. My mom actually she created a term for me masturbating. And I didn't know it was masturbation at the time, but she would call it rubbering. And I actually cannot believe I'm talking about this in on like a platform in any way, shape, or form. I never even thought I would share this with like a friend. But it was this thing that I held so much shame around because my mom would find me rubbing up against literally any countertop. Uh sometimes it was couches, beds, whatever it was. And I would feel good. Yeah. I was probably, gosh, I want to say like 12, but like I think I even started a little bit younger than that. I can't fully remember, but I do remember being a teenager and being like, okay, my mom's not home yet. I'm gonna like go quickly get the feeling, you know? And yeah, so I didn't know, I didn't I didn't know what that was until I got older. It's funny because I still didn't know what I was doing until I entered the porn industry and started to like have these conversations with myself. And so then I that happened. And then as I got older and I was maybe around 15 or so, you know, I was ready to start having sex with other people. I found myself sexually curious, I found myself desiring it. And then when I was raped by a friend, that really shifted things for me. And that's when this piece of me just kind of shut down for a really long time. And it really didn't open back up until I was maybe in my early 20s. I finally had come out of a couple relationships. I had now been in the porn industry for about a year, and I was realizing, and I'd come to terms with what had happened to me. I went to therapy and kind of processed those things and I was ready to move forward. And it wasn't until I was 23 that I actually got my first vibrator and intentionally masturbated and had an orgasm by myself. It took me that long to finally get there, which was pretty crazy. And then I hear you.

SPEAKER_03 9:46

I also masturbated early in my 20s for the first time.

SPEAKER_01 9:49

Really?

SPEAKER_03 9:49

Masturbator, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:50

Yeah, I mean, but it's like where are we learning these things? You know, like we're in Sex Ed, we're taught, okay, sex is for procreation, but we're never actually taught sex for pleasure. So how are we even supposed to know? You know, like how are we supposed to know how to masturbate or that we can masturbate? And when I was a kid too, I asked my mom this. I was like, if I had been a boy, would you have talked to me about masturbation? And she thought for a moment and she was like, you know, I think I would have.

SPEAKER_03 10:33

So yeah, I think it was the same for me growing up. It was always like, oh, boys do that, but girls, it's kind of like, oh I guess I don't need it.

SPEAKER_01 10:40

I it was the same with porn. Porn was always for the boys. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 10:46

And so in your early 20s, then when you after you self-pleased pleased yourself, masturbated, and what was that? I guess you skyrocketed into sexual liberation after that, coming left, right, after.

SPEAKER_01 10:58

Honestly, it took me a minute because I was still in a relationship. Um, but I I could feel it coming out. And the minute I got out of that relationship, I was like, let's go. And it was funny because a lot of my friends were kind of giving me shit for it because a lot of them had done it in college. But because of what I had gone through, I wasn't ready at the time. And so when I got into my late 20s, I was like, now I'm ready. I feel safe in my body, I feel comfortable to express what I want sexually. I feel confident. And I was like, I'm ready to like go have a one-night stand for the first time. And so I really got to explore in my late 20s, and I'm continuing to explore. And when I actually entered the porn industry, I had a sex bucket list because all the people in my office, it was like, oh, I'm going to a sex party tonight, or I have an orgy, or I'm I've been doing multiple threesomes with this friend. And I'm like, oh shit, like I've not done anything. So I was like, okay, I need to do that, I need to do that. Because I thought, like, okay, I need to do all these things for people to take me seriously. And I was like, no. Now I'm at the point where I'm like, I'm on my own journey. And I think that is special in its own way. And it doesn't mean that I still can't support people when they're doing things that maybe I haven't done yet. Yet.

SPEAKER_03 12:15

Yes. Yeah. Yes. What's the priority on a on a fuck at list at the moment?

SPEAKER_01 12:19

A threesome. It's been way too long. Oh, yeah. Like, honestly, the amount of partners I've talked about having a threesome with, I'm like, good lord, like which one of you? I'm like, can we can it just happen already?

SPEAKER_03 12:30

So we're looking for applications, basically.

SPEAKER_01 12:31

Yeah, accepting applications, my partner and I.

SPEAKER_03 12:35

And um, did you struggle with um did you ever struggle with like an orgasm with a partner as well?

SPEAKER_01 12:40

Totally. And it's actually the thing that I'm now helping people with the most. I that is like my biggest challenge forever. You know, it's something that I'm hoping one day it'll get easier and easier, but it is something that I still struggle with. I was struggling last night with this. I get in my head, and that is where somatic therapy is really useful, at least somatic sex therapy, in the sense that it allows you to feel into the sensations that are happening, focus on the sensations, focus on the pleasure that's happening, be present and let the mind go. Because if you're constantly thinking about having an orgasm, you're probably never gonna have one. Your mind is gonna get in the way. It's all connected.

SPEAKER_03 13:29

Is there any tips that I mean, I'm sure you're working with clients as well. What would be the advice that you give someone who is struggling to get out of their head? So, like, it's about to come, and then it's like it's coming, so then I'm not gonna come. Is there certain music you can play or exercise to do beforehand?

SPEAKER_01 13:44

Yeah, I think it's different for everyone, but I think finding a way that helps you be present. If it's music and kind of tuning into the music, if that helps, great. If it's, I mean, my personal suggestion would be really tuning into what your partner is doing, you know, how they're touching you, what does their touch feel like, what temperature are their fingers or their tongue? Is it slimy? Is it not like just tuning into all of these little sensations and the movement of their tongue, how are they moving it, or their fingers, you know, put all of your energy and your focus there. And sometimes that's not enough for people. So sometimes music can be helpful, sometimes controlling the breath can be helpful. One of the biggest things that I think is shown in porn that is such a misconception about sex is the porn breath. You know, the whereas like that will probably never actually get you to an orgasm either. You know, it's slow it down, uh, take deep breaths that is really gonna allow you to tune into the sensations that are present.

SPEAKER_03 14:56

I guess less rushing towards the orgasm or some kind of a completion or even the penis in the hole. Yeah, like it doesn't have to happen. So uh sex, yeah. I mean, I I also myself a couple of days ago was uh with someone and I had to nip out for a call in an hour, and I was like, okay, well, there's no point getting undressed, so we have an hour, so let's just play. And we were just sitting on a couch making out for an hour and teasing and licking, and it was like, oh, it's it gives you that container where you're like, you're not gonna immediately rip each other's clothes off and get to it, but it was such a great foreplay. It's like after that call, I was like, I'm ready.

SPEAKER_01 15:27

Yeah, that's awesome. You know, I think people tend to look at sex like a sexual script, right? Especially heterosexual couples. It's like, okay, we're gonna kiss, and then we're gonna, you know, maybe a little bit of fingering, okay, then some oral and then penetration in the orgasm, and it's done. You know, there's this script that they people follow where it's like add a little bit of creativity. Sex can be whatever the fuck you want it to be, and it can be different every single time, and that's what keeps things exciting, especially for couples you know who've been together for a really long time, switch it up, and it doesn't have to be complicated, and it doesn't have to be penetrative either. Yes.

SPEAKER_03 16:08

As a somatic so sexologist, how often do people dismiss your work or don't trust what you do?

SPEAKER_01 16:15

Yeah, I to be honest, I think I faced more working in porn than anything else. Yeah, I'm still a new somatic sexologist, and if anything, I'm finding at least like people close to me are a bit more supportive because oh yeah, now she's she's really helping people heal and she's helping people. Where with porn, there's just this icky stigma that just sits over it. And I still can't always share what I do with people. I come from a very conservative town. I wouldn't say my family is the most conservative, but they are. And telling them I worked in porn and that I was working in porn was tough. They were very supportive. They continue to be very supportive. But, you know, sometimes I'll end up in situations where they're introducing me to their friends or something like that. And my mom will say, Sorry, um, what are you gonna tell them you do for work? And it's always, oh, Kim does content marketing. And so it's like, okay, let's just keep it at that. And so that's been hard. And I remember also going to a party where it was people my age, like all these people I went to school with. So in my head, I'm thinking, they'll be more accepting of this, right? Surely. But one of my old friends, he pulled me aside and we were chatting, and he was asking me what I was up to, what I was doing for work. And I told him I work in porn. And he immediately got so quiet, and he said, We don't talk about that here. And I was like, Oh, you know, it's just, it continues, it goes on and on. I am at this point where I just don't give a shit anymore. I get it all the time. And, you know, I've had a lot of men who um would date me and I wanted something serious, but for them it would always stop because it was like I could never take you home, especially when I was living in Texas. Good lord. You know, I can't take you home to my mom, surely not. Like, what am I gonna tell her you do for work?

SPEAKER_03 18:25

So to get acceptance for that and also persuade you that the porn that you're doing is actually healing. Yes. Because I think you believe that as well, right? Yeah. Maybe you can tell us a little more because obviously there's so much stigma around uh porn in general that the porn that you were making, you are making, is um is different. Right. And how is so?

SPEAKER_01 18:43

Yeah, so I'm very picky about who I work for in the porn industry. I I think there's a lot of misunderstanding of the industry as a whole. There are kind of sometimes it's easier to see as there's kind of two pieces to the industry, two parts. There's those that are behind a paywall, those websites that are behind a paywall. I would only work for a website where their porn is behind a paywall. And then you have what we call in the porn industry the tube sites, the major tube sites, which is what everyone knows the porn hub, X Videos, all of those. The thing about those is they are more the problem than anything else. When we're looking at legislation that's kind of going after porn companies, they go after the industry as a whole, but there's a huge difference between the two. Those sites, what is going up on the sites is not as managed as what is going up on, say, Lustery or Air Colust or any of the companies that I've worked for. When I I've actually uploaded to Pornhub at one point in time, and I can't say, I can't speak to how it is right now because they have switched owners, but previously they used to request or they said they requested these forms that are called 2257s. And across the board as a producer, I always had to make sure I had two two five sevens for every film that I produced.

SPEAKER_03 20:12

What's the two two five seven?

SPEAKER_01 20:13

Yeah, so the two two five seven is essentially a form that says everyone within this film is above the age of 18 and they're consenting to every single sexual act on set. So I've worked as a producer and an intimacy coordinator on set, which an intimacy coordinator is basically like we call them like a model advocate. So it's making sure that performers are safe and consenting to everything that they do. And we'll have consent conversations, I mean, like well before production, and then we'll have consent conversations like maybe a little bit pre-production, and then a third or fourth, like on set. Because, say you're gonna film like an anal scene, for example. If someone agreed to that two months ago, their stomach and everything going on in their body might not be the same as it is day of set. Like I have heard of so many anal scenes being canceled day of. Because you just never know, you know, like they could have eaten something bad on set and like it's done. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 21:08

So they want no messy business.

SPEAKER_01 21:10

Yeah. So I do want to say I'm very happy with the company I currently work for. I have uh coming from having produced and written cinematic films, I think there is a place for that. I love watching a cinematic porn film. I think it's breaking a lot of barriers of film, and I think it's very cool. But if you're really gonna take down the big guys, then you kind of have to beat them at their own game. And in my eyes, that's a little bit what lustery is doing. Lustery is real couples sharing their sex lives, and they just send in footage, we cut it, but there's no scripts, you know, that's all the real rawness of sex. As each of these couples see it, you know? So there's I I love that authenticity, and I've been really aligning with that. And yeah, I'm very happy to be where I'm at.

SPEAKER_03 22:11

And do you think that kind of pornography has uh power to change people's minds and practices when it comes to their own sexual experiences?

SPEAKER_01 22:20

Definitely. What's funny is all of the companies I've worked for at some point in time, even if they don't say it now, have kind of put that porn for women title on. Or ethical porn. Now, what's funny about that is all of them have been at minimum 70% male users. And what we've found out, well, what I found out at the last company I was working for is that a lot of those men, the reason that they're signing up is it makes them feel better about themselves. They don't feel as icky watching porn. There's something about throwing the word ethical on that's like, okay, like this is this is good. But in all reality, most of the porn out there, if it's made by any sort of studio, is probably ethical. So in the industry itself, like you find a lot of people kind of moving away from the ethical uh word, only because it kind of starts to make it seem like there's an us and a them. And in all reality, most of us are following. I mean, I don't, I've not heard of anyone who's not following um who isn't complying to to certain ethical standards, you know.

SPEAKER_03 23:30

So it's less about ethical standards and more about which are already given as a given as a baseline in your in your companies that you work for, case, but you said for women, which means for more of a female gaze, or is this a male gaze? Would that be the difference you'd you'd define it as?

SPEAKER_01 23:44

Yeah, essentially. So when I was producing films, we were focused on porn for women. So the idea was, you know, it's being written by women, it's being shot by women, and the shots are focused on the female gaze. So, you know, you wouldn't have like, for example, uh male POV shot. Like it.

SPEAKER_03 24:06

And where did you draw your inspiration for your movie ideas?

SPEAKER_01 24:10

Yeah, um, well, the one that I wrote that has been nominated for some awards, I'm proud, I'm quite proud of. That one I drew on inspiration from a relationship I was in. And what I learned at the time was that I had come out of a relationship where I felt like my partner wanted to go from zero to a hundred when it came to sex. It was like, okay, we're in bed. It's like, all right, we're fucking. And I'm like, oh my God, my whole body would just like freeze up, clench. And I'm like, but I'm not ready. Like there's how how do we get there? How do we get to a hundred? Like, I'm not even at 10 yet. And what I realized is that then I started dating someone else uh a bit later, and that person would kind of do little things throughout the day. And in my head, I it was like foreplay throughout the day. And it's something that I actually teach to clients now is for a lot of women, and I'm sure this spans beyond women, but I notice it a lot in women is that women need foreplay throughout the day. And what that can look like is a simple hand to the lower back. It can be a hand hold, it can be some eye contact, so just some tiny like flirting kind of sprinkled throughout the day. And that is what can help women get to a hundred a lot faster when they finally get to the point of having sex.

SPEAKER_03 25:37

Do you have like a favorite gesture of your partners that they can do to get you going? Any kind of foreplay that you like?

SPEAKER_01 25:43

I really like a hand to the lower back. Like I've I've just always loved my back touched. So, like anything, any sort of like kind of tickling sensation on my back, and it could be when I'm cooking, it could be when you know, my partner and I are walking my dog. Sometimes he'll do this, and that for me is like it's already starting to happen, you know? Like for me, desire is building throughout the day because of these tiny things.

SPEAKER_03 26:10

So, this is the kind of a poor play Lulak. Now, what else are you into? How much can you reveal? Are you kinky? What and who are you into?

SPEAKER_01 26:18

Yeah, you know what's fun is I'm still learning about myself. Like I said, I had big sex bucket lists, felt like I had to check them off as fast as possible. Now I'm really taking my time. I'm like, I think there's always learning opportunities when it comes to sex. And even if your sex bucket list is completely checked off, there's always something new you can explore. And for me right now, what I've learned slowly over the years, but in my new relationship, I'm very much exploring is I am learning how kinky I am, and I'm learning I have a praise kink, and that has been very fun to explore.

SPEAKER_03 26:57

So a praise kink is if you would you mind explaining a little bit for our viewers?

SPEAKER_01 27:01

I love being called a good girl. I love uh power play dynamic, and my favorite thing to tell my partner is choke me till I come. And his response being, good girl.

SPEAKER_03 27:17

Oh, this fuck. Okay, I think I might have a price kick too. Um sweet. And the what kind of partners do you normally? Do you have a type? Do you have a type? Do you want to know what you may go for? Um for partners. For partners, yeah. What's your type?

SPEAKER_01 27:33

Typically older men. It's so funny because my current boyfriend is my same age, and that is a first. They've always been older. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 27:41

I was older men, uh. Yeah. The opposite. That's why I'm like, uh, no.

SPEAKER_01 27:47

It's so funny because I was just talking to a friend about this where she was saying that she might be interested in younger men for the first time. She's also always been interested in people a bit older, kind of liked being a little bit more of the submissive, liked, you know, a man to kind of lead her in life and in the bedroom. And now, after years and years of doing that, she's like, no, now I kind of want someone younger. And it really got the wheels turning for me, where I was like, okay, what is the draw for the younger man? And there's this trend happening around the yearning man. I don't know if you've heard about that, but I feel like it has to play a little bit into that, right? This man who's willing to just please you and do whatever you ask, and you are queen. And I feel like, and and you just you show me everything, whatever you want, baby, kind of thing. I feel like that is what it's playing into for women when they're going after a younger man. Whereas for me, wanting an older man, I want him to just tell me what to do. Like, I am, I'm here to do whatever you want.

SPEAKER_03 29:00

Cute. So you've never been with a younger, you have a younger person?

SPEAKER_01 29:04

No, never. But I have been with people like twice my age.

SPEAKER_02 29:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:09

Not now, not.

SPEAKER_02 29:10

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think that's another thing. Like the older years, then you're like, actually, they're gonna be soon hospitalized, so I have to go a bit lower.

SPEAKER_01 29:17

Yeah, not quite 60. That would be my like my mom's age. But um, when I was dating a 50-year-old, my mom was like, Oh my goodness, that. But I learned a lot and I had a good time. It was it was definitely like ticking some boxes for me to be dating someone that much older.

SPEAKER_03 29:36

It was a big gap, it was 30 years.

SPEAKER_01 29:38

Oh, nice.

SPEAKER_03 29:39

He was 51, it was very brief. And uh, I thought he was 40, and he turned out to be older than my father, looking pretty good. And uh, yeah, I was like, No, definitely didn't. He was like, I'll pay for everything, I'll take care of you. And I was like, Oh, it's off-putting for me. I don't want you to take care of me. I will take care of myself. Because I always felt like even accepting drinks in a bar from guys, I'll be like, now I have to pay you back with conversation or do something else. And I just hate the feeling of obligation.

SPEAKER_01 30:05

It's so funny because I'm like that in my real life. Like, I've always been like, I don't fucking need a man. And so it's really funny that sexually I'm almost opposite. And it's taken me a little bit to be able to sink into kind of my submissiveness because in my life I don't like accepting favors from men. I don't like men doing things for me, and I'm I'm still learning how to accept all of that. And honestly, it's it's making sex a little bit better for me because it's allowing me to like play into that role that I enjoy sexually.

SPEAKER_03 30:41

So I think that's quite common as well, right? To whatever role you play in real life.

SPEAKER_01 30:45

Totally.

SPEAKER_03 30:45

When you're constantly in charge, you have to make decisions, you kind of want to be doing the opposite in the bedroom, or if you're a control freak, that's what really pushes you, is surrendering that control.

SPEAKER_01 30:55

Yeah, yeah, totally. I definitely think, I mean, this is why you'll have like male CEOs hiring professional dominatrix because they want to switch off and be submissive.

SPEAKER_03 31:11

Yeah. And um with the movies that you've made, you've mentioned that you won an award. Congratulations. Um is there a favorite movie that you've made that you want to tell us so we could suggest to our viewers to have a sneak peek?

SPEAKER_01 31:24

Yes. So um the one that I would say I am the most proud of is Tell Me, which I produced for the director Anna Lee. I Anna Lee and Angie Roundtree. Angie Roundtree owns Shush.com. These two women, for some reason, I can never understand why they like me, but these two women are like goddesses to me. I look up to them so much. And the two of them have taught me absolutely everything I know when it comes to film production and producing an ethical porn film. I anytime I had a question around production, both of them are just like ready to get on a call with me, help me for no money, just to support. I just really respect them. So big shout out to them. But Anna Lee, um, we did the film Tell Me together. And that was my first ever film um that I produced. And so it was really fun to watch her in action. So getting to watch that for the first time. And I think what was also fun about that is I got to see all of the in-between bits of porn, you know, those behind-the-scene things that you when you're thinking, how does that actually work or what do people do? For example, one of the things as a producer I had to do was I would have to do the kits for uh the film. So that would be having condoms and a lube, like all the different types of lube, water, oil-based, uh, anything that performers might need, uh, toys, anything like this. And one of the things that I was a part of my checklist that I had no idea was called cum water. So if you are doing, say, a cream pie, it doesn't always get caught on film. Yeah, sometimes you fuck up, right? And you'll have to reshoot. That's just what happens in film. You don't always reshoot, yes. Yeah, you don't always get what you want in the first take. So when it's we're talking about bodily functions, like, you know, someone orgasming, we're gonna fuck up sometimes. And so cum water, you can buy it on Amazon. It is literally bottled semen. I mean, it's not actual semen, but it looks like semen. It has the consistency, it has the color, the cloudy whiteness. The worst part about it is that it actually smells and tastes like cum, but I actually think it smells and tastes worse than cum. And I'm like, why has no one in all of this time of shooting porn not made this flavored of some sort? I'm like, someone please make like a strawberry cum water.

SPEAKER_03 34:00

This is perfect uh entrepreneurship call-outs. If anybody wants to come up with this idea, how much is the is a is a jar jar, bucket? What's the quantity you buy?

SPEAKER_01 34:11

So you just buy like a bottle. I have no idea. It's probably like 15 bucks or something like that. But like, yeah, you just buy a bottle and and yeah, I mean, it does the job. I actually am trying to think. I've never had to use it though on any set. We've always caught, we've always caught the cream pie. But that's what happens when you work with someone like Annalie who just knows what the hell she's doing. So yeah.

SPEAKER_03 34:33

Was there any other things that you maybe had some a preconception about? Well, we're working on set on porn films, and then I don't know, a fluffer, for example, or like how does it actually how do people get going in the scene? Um what happens when you you malfunction?

SPEAKER_01 34:50

Totally, totally. Um, well, a couple things. One of the things is you know, chemistry between between the performers, right? That is something you want to be able to feel the chemistry. So, how, if they're hired, they're not dating, how do they show you chemistry? So, a lot of the time, at least the sets I've been on, we always film the sex scene last. So, if there was a narrative piece, we'd always catch that first for a couple reasons. One, we're talking hair and makeup. If someone goes into a sex scene, we're gonna have to do hair and makeup again. So we usually have hair and makeup come at the beginning. They do that, we shoot narrative, and then we do the sex scene. So um, one thing I realized is they're building chemistry throughout all of that process. So a lot of the time I would see, you know, I'd I'd see the man if it was a heterosexual uh film. I'd see the man kind of engaging with the woman trying to flirt a little bit. There was one set I was on where they we were eating lunch and they she was actually sat on his lap. Um and yeah, so they were they were building flirtation throughout throughout um the whole day. Uh fluffers are not a thing. That is definitely something it wasn't something that crossed my mind, like, is this real? Is it not? But you kind of always wonder, I guess. And no, not a thing. It is up to the men to be able to, or anyone with any penis owners, to be able to get it up and keep it hard. And I have been on a set where that was a struggle. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 36:30

What did you do then?

SPEAKER_01 36:31

Well, at the time I was producing, and I really wish I had the knowledge that I do now because I would definitely have gone about it differently. At the time, I was only on like my second film I had ever shot, and I was nervous. So I kind of let the bigger people in the room work it out, but we gave him time. But I do wish that I had kind of supported a little bit more in that because I I think I don't know, maybe he felt a bit awkward. You know, he'd have to just kind of go off into the bathroom and work on himself a bit. It was it was uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 37:16

Like, why is it not up?

SPEAKER_01 37:18

Totally. Yeah. I mean, I've watched films where I'm like, how did that make it to the final cut? Like, he is he's full on soft. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it it's it's tough because what do you do? You know, people get in their heads, and and then sometimes that's that.

SPEAKER_03 37:33

So, do you also in your somatic work help people with performance anxiety or any issues about yeah, getting it on at any point?

SPEAKER_01 37:42

Yeah, totally. So I've really been finding myself very drawn to working with couples. And one of the things I realized is I personally kept choosing monogamous relationships. And I was like, okay, why do I keep choosing these relationships and then finding myself still unsure about having sex with just one person? But in the moments that I am sure of it and I'm happy with it, I'm realizing I'm not, I wasn't necessarily doing the work to maintain a monogamous relationship. And I don't think I was really understanding what it meant to be in a monogamous relationship. You know, I'm seeing couples that have been together for 10, 20 years. And one of the things I hate hearing the most is people who haven't had sex for a long period of time. And when I asked why, their response is that just that's just what happens. It's normal. You know, it's normal. You know, you you just stop having sex. I can tell you for a fact, uh, my parents, well into their 60s, were having sex. Good, you know, my they shared this with me, you know? And I'm like, I know that's not true. My parents had a very happy marriage, were together, weren't open, and they continue to have a healthy sex life well into their 60s. And so I know it's possible. And so it's like, how do you help couples remember that that's there? You know, how do you remind them? And one of the things I feel like a lot of couples say is that there's a lack of time. Oh, we have kids, we're busy. And I think it's what's needed is a reframe around intimacy. You know, let's stop waiting until we're in bed and we're tired from the day to have sex. Sex, like I said before, it's built throughout the day. That desire is built throughout the day. So, where in the tiny little moments throughout your day can you start to tap into that, right? You know, for example, I will watch some of my friends, for example, with our partners when I'm with them, have dinner in front of the TV. That right there is a point of connection that you're missing. So it's not about needing more time, it's about how you're using your time. Are you actually trying to connect with your partner? You talked a little bit about um surrendering to Imam.

SPEAKER_03 40:11

And if this question, you know, can you surrender to a man if you're feminist? There'll be people asking out that. Um, but also it's a little difficult, I think, for many women these days to trust a man and uh, you know, living in a digital tele code rape academy era where we look left, right, and center, we hear all about gender violence, um, but especially from partners. Okay it's it's very hard to do that. What would be your advice as a as a coach, as a as a person of experience, too? That overcome your own trauma, how is it to get back out there and be able to trust someone again?

SPEAKER_01 40:42

Yeah, I one of the things I hated post-the Me Too movement, that sounds like a very strong start, but one of the things I hated post the Me Too movement was the pressure it put on women to know their boundaries and to know what they like as a way to keep them safe, right? So it's okay, you want to stay safe, so you need to understand your boundaries, you need to understand what you like, and you need to learn how to communicate it. Okay, so you're telling us we need to do all these things, but where are the resources for us to learn how to actually do that? I feel grateful that I work in sex positive spaces where I'm learning how to do that. And that is what has allowed me to be safe in sexual situations. So now I want to provide that to other women, right? And I think somatics is a big thing in that. I have been in situations with uh men over the years where, for example, my anxious attachment came up. So a partner who, you know, there was a big, strong draw because of, you know, my childhood relationship with my parents that, you know, triggered an anxious attachment. And that was coming out because that was the love that felt safe to me, or I perceived as safe. My nervous system was perceiving as safe. And it was normal to me. But what I started to learn as I was studying somatics is okay, my palms are sweaty, my heart is racing, my breath is short, my breath, everything is like up in this in my chest, my chest is tight. I'm like, I don't actually like this person. This person is making me feel like I'm in fight or flight, you know? And so through those physiological responses, I could start to understand what was going on and uh start to get in tune with them. And the more I started to meet new people, I could check in. And when those things weren't there, you know, there's a calmness in my body, I can take a deep breath. And I start to understand the responses of when they're positive. And when I do like someone, then I can feel a little bit safer because my nervous system is safe. My entire system is safe, my body is safe, so now I can relax into it, I can shut off my mind.

SPEAKER_03 43:10

And your body knows. That's the thing. It's like a lot of times we ignore what it says, and they're like on a date and you're like, I'm a telling me, and I'm like, no, you're just nervous, or you actually don't like this person, you just think you've eaten something.

SPEAKER_01 43:20

Exactly. Exactly. Like our body knows we just have to listen. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 43:26

And are there I've recently experienced also like um this uh almost like a meditation when it was like uh guided me through breathing and stuff like this. Are there is is there only ways of like getting in touch with your body guided tools that one can use to somehow feel it more? Because I I also up to the year ago, maybe I was like, I didn't even notice I had a body personal. Yeah, it's getting in places, and then I started doing some somatic work myself. I was like, Oh, it's it's here, it feels something, you know. It's uh for a lot of us, I think it's it's quite a challenge to remember that even a cherish or even. Give yourself a hug in the morning. Just feel it.

SPEAKER_01 44:02

Totally. Yeah. I mean, most of us are walking through life completely disembodied. But one of the things that before I was even doing somatic work, when I was working for Afterglow, we used to have these videos. I think they're still on Afterglow site, and I highly recommend them. They're awesome. They do guided masturbations. And it's a really nice way for people, I think they're very attuned to vulvas, so just keeping that in mind. But they're a really nice way to get out of your head and into your body and to just start to explore with your body. Another way of helping you feel safe with men is to start to recognize what it feels like to be safe in your own body. The safest way of having sex is with yourself. And if you're not having sex with yourself, you probably shouldn't be having sex with other people. That's why also I totally want to break down this whole myth that we shouldn't be masturbating when we're in relationships. I have a partner, I masturbated today. You know, I think that there's always so much to explore for ourselves. And I think it's really, really good for us to continue to have a good masturbation or like a sexual relationship with ourselves, you know, and a masturbation. I don't know if it would be a routine. Um, but let's call it a routine. It can happen once a day, it can happen once a week, it can happen once a month. But as long as you like find time to make time for yourself, even if it's in the shower, you know.

SPEAKER_03 45:31

And I guess it also helps you to get to know what you actually like.

SPEAKER_01 45:35

Totally. Yeah. So, you know, that pressure that has been put on women, like I was saying, post-me too movement, a lot of that comes from starting to explore with yourself. Like, yes, you can hire a coach or a therapist, but the again, the safest sex is gonna happen with just you and yourself.

SPEAKER_03 45:55

I'm very curious. Also, you've mentioned uh your thesis, your university thesis. How does that kind of help you along the way? Obviously, studies and sexual violence and working in in sex work well, but also knowing the other side of how it can be. Um what have you noticed throughout the years in terms of the developments as the world changed in that regard? Are people more open about sex work to what was it 10 years ago roughly when you was when you were studying it? Yeah, trafficking. I mean, that hasn't really gotten better. We just hear about it more if anything now.

SPEAKER_01 46:27

So yeah, it's tough because I'm not a sex worker. So it's kind of hard for me to say, you know, whether it's gotten easier or not. If I had to say, I'd probably say no. You know, I still think sex workers a lot of the time, from my understanding, are still seeking platforms that aren't taking too much money from them. They're still seeking safe spaces where they can actually work. You know, there was like when Back Pages in the States was taken down, and that was actually the safe space for sex workers to go on and post their services. And then the government took it down because they're like, oh, you know, this is an unsafe space with sex workers, and it's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, they need this, you know. And then you had OnlyFans, which taked a took a huge cut from sex workers, probably still does. Who knows?

SPEAKER_03 47:20

40%.

SPEAKER_01 47:21

40.

SPEAKER_03 47:23

30, 30, maybe 30. I know it's 30 40, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 47:26

It's high, right? So, like, where where do they go to to be safe and and to be able to do their work? So as much as I want to say yes, I don't fully, uh, I don't fully know because I'm I'm not one, and I I don't want to speak to the experience of a sex worker. Sure.

SPEAKER_03 47:45

You mentioned uh monogamy, uh, and how you kind of fell into it a little bit because that's what I guess expectations were. Do you I do you see yourself as monogamous? Is this something that you want to do? Continue. You were exploring uh polyamory, non-monogamy.

SPEAKER_01 48:00

Yeah, I can so monogamy is what I know, right? It's what was shown to me when I was young, and it's what I've seen my whole life up until entering the porn industry, really. And I was like starting to learn about all these different relationship dynamics. And I have, of course, felt a bit of societal pressure to remain monogamous, but I've also realized over the last few years that I don't necessarily think it might be for me, but it's definitely what I'm choosing right now. I am finding that I'm maybe more into a a bit of like openness in my relationship, but always wanting my partner to be there at this point.

SPEAKER_02 48:44

Um, right chicky trees, basically.

SPEAKER_01 48:46

Exactly, exactly. I definitely at this point desire my partner to be there. And who knows? You know, maybe one day we have a little bit of an opening, or maybe one day we just choose monogamy, and that is a viable option too. The thing is, is that people choosing monogamy, just like choosing polyamory or an open relationship, it means something. And there's work that is involved in all of those relationship dynamics, right? You know, in polyamory, you're dealing with different people's emotions and all of those different dynamics. In an open relationship, you're still kind of doing that. Maybe there's less of the emotional side, but you're still dealing with different people. And in monogamy, it's like we're animals at the end of the day, right? That's our natural instinct is to procreate. We see something that is looks good and we go for it. That is like we can't control arousal. Arousal happens, arousal is a bodily function in the same way that breathing is. It might not be there for survival, but it happens and we can't control it. It just happens. You know, when you're walking down the street, and I don't know, maybe you see someone who looks a little sexy, you might get a little wet. Like it happens. It happens, it happens, right? So if we're still choosing monogamy, even though our body might be feeling something else, why? And what does that mean? And how do we maintain a monogamous relationship and not 10, 20 years down the line get to the point of like, ah, well, we just, you know, that's what happens. You know, it requires work. And I think a lot of that work, what's involved in that, what I'm noticing in my relationship, is one understanding yourself sexually. I think that is like baseline. And I know that's a lot of work for people, but that's where a coach can come in. And then, you know, like, let's figure out what turns you on, what is your arousal pattern? Do you go hot quick? Do you need a little time to warm up? How does that match to your partners? You know, a lot of men, for example, they go zero to a hundred. A lot of women go zero, 10, 20, 30, you know, it can go like this. So there's learning opportunities and all those moments for couples to still be able to connect with one another and not to look at that like it's failure.

SPEAKER_03 51:14

So still monogamous.

SPEAKER_01 51:16

I I yeah, I am currently monogamous. Uh, my partner and I are in like a bit of a long distance right now. I'm like bouncing between California and Barcelona. We just moved in together about a year ago and have not even been with each other like six months in the past years. So we're like building our foundation. And I think if you're going to open your relationship, definitely don't do it when you're not really having sex because your relationship will probably end.

SPEAKER_03 51:44

It's a classic. I've been there. Things are not working out without having sex, so let's just open it up. That's gonna fix it.

SPEAKER_02 51:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 51:52

And then what you're doing is just testing water, like, oh, actually, I like other people, so I should be with other people.

SPEAKER_01 51:57

Yeah, honestly, if you are not having sex and you want to open the relationship, you probably should just leave the relationship. That would be my advice.

SPEAKER_03 52:04

Or just work on it, work on the or work, of course, right, rather than like I'm gonna fuck others.

SPEAKER_00 52:09

Or work on it, of course. Yes, yes, you can work on it, you can always work on it.

SPEAKER_03 52:14

And uh given beautiful advice you shared with us today, do you actually listen to your own advice? Do you apply it in your own bedroom?

SPEAKER_01 52:22

Uh yes, yes. My biggest advice that I listen to every fucking time is the advice that to get out of my head and into my body. So tuning into my body somatically, especially when I'm receiving oral, that is a moment where my head is just like, you know, it's thinking about to-do lists, it's thinking about like, oh my gosh. I actually just did a reel on Instagram about this. And I think a lot of women resonated with it is like, you know, the things that go through your head as a man is going down on you, is like, do I smell how oh wait, when's the last time I showered? Is there sweat down there? Uh wait, oh fuck, I'm not coming fast enough. Oh, are they bored? You know, all of these things where it's like if they're down there, you hopefully they're enjoying themselves. I don't think they would do it against their own will, right? Like, we'd hope not. So let them do it. And I think um one thing that my partner and I've been trying that I've also been recommending to people is to set a timer, set a time container. Sometimes that can allow people to relax a little bit more into the practice. You can set a timer for any sexual act. Uh, oral is a good one. So, okay, I'm gonna go down on you for three minutes. I'm gonna go down on you for five minutes. And then you are like, okay, the timer's got it. I can just, I can just be here now. That's my only job, is to just be here.

SPEAKER_03 53:45

But wouldn't that stress you other that you think like, oh, this person is assuming that after five minutes I have to come, so I only have five minutes to come. That would stress me out more.

SPEAKER_01 53:54

Well, I think then it's like, again, don't expect an orgasm, you know. An orgasm we have, you know, traditionally seen as like the end of sex. And it doesn't have to be. I mean, Google edging, another great thing that you can practice, you know. It doesn't have to end in orgasm.

SPEAKER_03 54:16

If anything, I think you should tell yourself, I will not come. Yeah. I tell myself all the time, I will not come. And then I'm like, oh, you didn't. Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 54:25

Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 54:25

Yeah. But yeah, it is about just enjoying the ride, yo.

SPEAKER_01 54:29

Yeah, and just like letting that be enough, you know, like let the pleasure from every stroke and lick and bite and touch, like let that alone be the main event. Let that be the pleasure and orgasm later, you know, just that's fine for right now.

SPEAKER_03 54:46

Is it intimidating having sex with you?

SPEAKER_01 54:51

I I have, I have, and it's shocked me. I think it's like a bit of imposter syndrome because I look at my sexual journey and I'm like, wait, why are you so intimidated to have sex with me? But I have definitely had men experience EDE before erectile dysfunction. Um, and yeah, that was that was new for me. But you know, it's just kind of reminding them I'm also a human and I'm also learning, and I'm an expert in my own body, and I have tools to help people become an expert in their bodies, but I am not an expert in your body, but I want to help you become an expert in your body.

SPEAKER_03 55:31

So any final pieces of advice for our for our listeners to improve their sex life, to come more often, to not come, to not pressure anything. It's all that.

SPEAKER_01 55:44

I if you don't like penetration, don't fucking do it. I actually have a friend who's like never has penetration with her male partner because it's just not on the menu for them. You know, if it's not for you, it's not for you, and it doesn't ever have to happen if you don't want it to happen.

SPEAKER_03 56:03

Unless you're picking a man, that's always a plus, yes.

SPEAKER_01 56:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 56:07

Can you fuck your way to enlighten them?

SPEAKER_01 56:12

I hope so. I feel like I have fucked my way to my own personal enlightenment. I mean my trajectory career-wise has absolutely changed my life all across the board. I see sex as like someone who is a sexual being and tunes into their sexuality for me, that makes them a more whole person, right? And I think from becoming more in tune with my sexuality, I've become a more whole person. I uh find myself to be more confident. I find myself to be more enlightened.

SPEAKER_03 56:50

There you go. It's definitely a proof. Thank you so much for being on this podcast. I will put some links to uh recommendations and your profile as well so that we can give you a follow and get more advice on a regular basis.

SPEAKER_01 57:03

Thank you so much. I also want to say I do have 20% off to lustry on my site. Um, yeah, if you go to my site, there's a banner, you can click it and you can get 20% off.

SPEAKER_03 57:13

We'll be clicking and flicking our beans. Okay, thank you.

SPEAKER_01 57:19

Thank you.