SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome to Fucking My Way to Enlightenment. We are in Berlin today with Tara, who is an artist, dancer, somatic facilitator, sensual somatic facilitator, a tantric bodyworker, and a badass bitch. Welcome. So happy to have you here. I'm so happy to be here. And today, as you know, we're gonna talk about a sex. My favorite topic. Perfect. Banging, making love, shagging. What is your phrase to go for to go phrase?

SPEAKER_00 0:27

Hmm. Well, if we can make sweet love, we can fuck and we can bang. So first it's making love. And then comes all the fucking and banging.

SPEAKER_01 0:36

Sensual somatic facilitator. Um, what is that you exactly provide to your clients?

SPEAKER_00 0:43

What is that you do? Hmm. Depends on the client. I'm offering quite a range, but to boil it down, we first talk about somatics, and somatics is really a way of experiencing life, processes, yourself, things that happen, things that have happened through the body rather than the mind. Ideally, it's done in like a very therapeutic way. I have my own twist on it, which is the sensual side. Sensual side. And this is, yeah, ultimately where sensuality and eros is invited into my sessions. And yeah, this is done basically in a very practical way with how I work with the body. So yeah, it's sensual in the sense it's where we invite in the hips, the spine, the way that the body is moved, and also the energy that's allowed in the space in the session. Also, a lot of people have, for example, experiences in their life based around sexual trauma, sexual experiences, positive, negative, childbirth, anything like this. And to then be able to experience your body in a container, which I hope I provide, um, where you can have the tools to feel and express your sensuality without performing or without it being consumed, is kind of the marriage of the sensual and the somatics.

SPEAKER_01 2:11

Wow. Incredible. And do you, with your clients, do you notice that that work um besides freeing experiencing the body has an effect on other areas in their life? Of course, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:27

Yeah, I mean, like if you can know yourself and your body what you want, what you like, and you're not afraid to ask for it in the bedroom, imagine how you can bring that out into the world. If you can't even ask for what you want in bed, or you don't even know what you want, that's another level. Exactly. And that's also the essence of this work. But if you cannot even ask or express or know what you like in bed in the most intimate, raw interactions, how are you asking for life out there? Yeah. And um why why do you do what you do? I ask myself this regularly. Good. That's always good to keep yourself in check in. Yeah. After the majority of my sessions, actually, no, before the majority or during uh my sessions, I ask myself the same thing. I also have a lot of clients ask me, how do you do this? And I'm like, good question. I don't really know. I'm not gonna question it too much. I'm just gonna do it because it's working for me and it's working for you.

SPEAKER_01 3:33

And I guess there's certain kind of purpose that have driven you into this work.

SPEAKER_00 3:37

And my whole life led me to work in this field. It it makes sense now. Most of my life it didn't make sense at all why the themes of sexuality or distortion of sexuality were so present from as long as I can remember even being alive. And now that's basically transmuted and expressed through my work in a very different lens to support others.

SPEAKER_01 4:03

And uh would you say that it gives you satisfaction as well in terms of like feeling that you're helping others?

SPEAKER_00 4:13

Yes, I feel satisfied, but not in this like savior complex. Like I know a lot of people who work in similar fields and they call themselves healers, and this is for me an ick. Um I've also had like client feedbacks where they share like this was so healing, or she's an amazing healer, and I'm like, oh no. There's there's something about that word, I hear you. Yeah, it's for me edgy territory and gives me the ick. So yeah, I get satisfaction, but the satisfaction comes from seeing you being satisfied. So secondhand satisfaction?

SPEAKER_01 4:54

Yeah, it's also good.

SPEAKER_00 4:56

Very good.

SPEAKER_01 4:57

And maybe it's also knowing that it's not like you giving someone something, you are just holding a container and giving them a space to discover it within themselves.

SPEAKER_00 5:06

Exactly. And this is also something like I have to reinforce a lot, especially in body work or especially in yeah, tantra sessions where sexuality and touch is included. It can often be perceived as ah, I'm getting this from you or you're giving me this experience. But actually, the essence of the work is to be a conduit for someone else to feel themselves. And that's also the essence of all the work I do is to help other people feel themselves. Amazing.

SPEAKER_01 5:37

And you mentioned the tantric massage. What is a tantric massage for those of you who are foolish enough not to know?

SPEAKER_00 5:44

You tell me. I know you know. I know, I know. And if you know, you know, and if you don't know, that's why we're here.

SPEAKER_01 5:52

Yeah. Well, we've actually met at the tantric massage course, level three energy, I think that was the one. Um where you have asked me a question saying uh what happened during my massage because my ass was vibrating.

SPEAKER_00 6:05

So yeah, yeah. So we met on a level three of Tantra massage course where it's all around the energetics. And the energetics from your body was vibrating out your ass. I have never seen a body vibrate like this in a in a session. This was an image I'll never forget. Yep, it was a pretty special massage. Yeah, I could see. So to come back to what is a tantra massage, so obviously it's a massage. However, there's like a whole variety of massage out there, and what makes tantra massage what it is is that when we work with tantra in the sense of body work, it's including the whole, so the whole totality of a person. So that includes, of course, their physical body, their energetic body, and their emotional body. And also with the physical body, it's including the whole body. So nothing is excluded and nothing is not allowed. So no emotions are not allowed. All emotions are allowed. All the body is allowed to be seen, be touched, be felt, be yeah, expressed. And yes, that includes genitals. It does include genitals, and I believe that's the the whole mystery cloud around Tantra massage. This is the part that a lot of people are curious about, and from my experience, it's kind of the pulling point for a lot of clients to try, um, which is interesting because I have experienced a lot of people come to experience this uh genital massage, and they're like, I'm gonna have a tantric orgasm that yeah brings me brings me to enlightenment. And I'm like, okay, let's go through the layers to get to that because often there's so much more people have to feel before they can feel real pleasure. Yeah. So yeah, with the tantra massage, it's really working on a very energetical way whilst working with the body and working with the emotions. And everyone comes with something different on each layer, all layers, um, all at once. And so a tantra massage is quite hard to define. Like, you know, when you go to a time massage, you can kind of gauge what's gonna happen or a medical massage, sports massage. But to arrive to a tantrum massage, you're in this like super vulnerable space of being literally exposed. When you have a therapist that can really feel you, there's no hiding space, there's nowhere to hide. All emotions, all sensations, everything is really invited.

SPEAKER_01 8:43

And that also takes a certain level of vulnerability from the client to be ready for this because not everybody will be 100%.

SPEAKER_00 8:50

Yeah, and it's often a lot of people believe they're ready to have this experience, and there's so much more they have to go through and to feel before they can have the tantric experience of yeah, orgasmic states.

SPEAKER_01 9:05

And you've mentioned like there's a lot of people, a lot of people bring stuff on different levels. What would you say like the most common things are that people come with? I guess sexual shame around maybe not feeling their bodies, energetic blockages. Like, I don't know if there is things that you can specify that are more common or really is everybody is different.

SPEAKER_00 9:26

Shame is a big one. I noticed that a lot of people are even ashamed to show up in this space and allow themselves to receive pleasure. Yeah. I would also say disconnection. There's a lot of disconnection, there's a lot of people out there walking around but totally uninhibited, like not in their own body, not even noticing they're in their own body, not in their own body. Um breath. It's so crazy, it's so simple. And this is the thing I find tantra, tantra is such a huge, huge thing, right? But when you bring it down and into the body work, it's so narrowed down to the most simplest things, and that's breath, sound, and movement. And it's so simple, but for someone to just breathe, or for someone to be guided into their breath, even a 40, 50, 60-year-old man, it's their first time they've even been aware of how they can really breathe and how that breath can change their whole spine, change their whole body, increase their pleasure, decrease or increase their pain. Like the tools that everyone has available inside them, they're not even aware. So that's also another thing, is very common is people realizing after such a session what they actually have on hand all the time. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:52

And I guess it's also a bit of resensualization as well, in a way, to bring to bring different quality of touch to show we often just slap it, you know, vibrator on the max and a penis in the hole, and and we just don't know how to feel delicate things anymore or different quality of touch.

SPEAKER_00 11:11

Yeah, or also like the world that we live in now, everything is so fast, everything is so consumer-based, like it's just like wham bam, done, you know, and also like with sexuality, like you can buy sex in every shape and form and still not feel it or feel yourself in this experience. And with tantra, tantra bodywork is everything so slow. And like what I say over and over and over again is if you think you're going slow, go slower. And this is also a challenge for people. They feel insecure to go slow, they don't know how to go slow, they don't know how to even give slow. I'm also teaching a lot, like teaching other people tantra massage and teaching couples, and there's couples that are touching each other for I don't know, 20, 25 years of being married, and then they come to a workshop and they're learning to touch each other slow, and they're like, oh my god, wow, we've never had this. And it's just being slow, you know, it's it's not complex, it's so simple.

SPEAKER_01 12:20

For me, also, when I joined the courses first, uh, the big difference from any other massage was just the amount of love going into the touch. You're really worshiping the body. Every little toe is like Buddha's toes, and people can feel it when you go to massage and someone's popping your back and they're like, Well, I'm thinking about lunch later on, versus someone who's like, You are beautiful and I love you. And they you can feel it through the touch.

SPEAKER_00 12:43

Yeah, totally. That's also for me, answers the question of what is tantra. It's like being able to embody as a giver, being able to embody this understanding and appreciation and devotion for every person without attaching what they look like, how their body is. I wouldn't actually be attracted to this person in a normal context, or oh, that's not my type, or you know, whatever. But just truly meeting every person in pure love and devotion. It's not an easy job to really do that, like in in really integrity. But when you really open that channel and it flows through, that's for me tantra. It's taking away the the humanness and just like entering this more transpersonal space. Beautiful. Yeah, it is.

SPEAKER_01 13:36

And to backtrack a little bit, so that's tantric massage, that's the somatic kind of extension of the work, which is more neo-tantra. What is general tantra for you? Because it is every every person kind of sees it differently. How do you what is tantra for you? How does it show up in your life?

SPEAKER_00 13:52

This is a really interesting one because tantra, it's it's so big, it's so vast, it's also tied to so much ancient wisdom, and I believe it deserves a lot of respect. And when I work in this field, I really feel very cautious on how I even use and present myself with this word Tantra. My own personal journey, because that's the only way I can really speak to it and own it. I tried for many years to explore tantra, different workshops, festivals, teachers. And I was quite repulsed by my findings. I found it to be very ungrounded, unsafe, dark, edgy. Just my own personal experiences, not the totality, but I realized I was exploring it in corners where there just wasn't very rooted, grounded and integrity people transmitting it. They were just kind of happily floating along under this umbrella of Tantra. And it's also a very shadowy space. However, finally, when I was not looking for it or trying to be in this world of Tantra, I found who I would call my teacher. And she's the owner of the studio here in Berlin that I work for. Also, the um who runs the workshops that you've attended, Paula. Shout out to Paula. And she's working with Neo Tantra, and she's working in a way that's like super grounded. It's all in the body, it's all in the now, in the here, in the now, of course, with respect and reverence and using nuggets of wisdom from the roots of Tantra. And so when I was able to feel this teaching through her in this very grounded, respected, and clear way, without this dressing of the hippie spiritual bubble around it, but just in a very practical way. That's when it touched me. That's when I felt safe, and that's when I felt it. I also felt it more through the body rather than the spiritual teachings of it, which of course comes through, but it to me came in a more embodied way. And that was, as we just spoke to, like finding myself loving unconditionally strangers. People that I met uh on Friday afternoon as we embarked on a workshop together, and by Sunday evening, there was just nothing but pure love. You know? I know, I know, I know, I know. That's also the thing, it's it's a feeling. It's just for me a feeling. And like I always have it now as I progress in the journey and I'm like facilitating and guiding such workshops. I noticed that at the beginning, like, you know, we have the opening circle, everyone comes from all corners of Berlin or out or further to sit in this opening circle, and everyone's like, What are we gonna do here? Probably we're all gonna touch each other's genitals. Yeah. And by Sunday, everyone has just transformed. And somewhere along the way, I get this feeling ripple through the space where everyone has left their identity behind, who they are, who that person is, and everyone is just there. I'm getting goosebumps. They're in the moment, feeling themselves and feeling other people in like a very raw, authentic, and sacred way. And that's when the tantra enters the space. Like for me, it's like a tangible moment when the tantra has entered the space.

SPEAKER_01 17:33

It's also, I think, really challenging at first to be naked around other people and massage each other also in a group, not just like allow a stranger to massage you, but also just be around others in that space for days. And at some point, you're just shedding so much shame as well.

SPEAKER_00 17:50

Yeah, there's nowhere to hide. Yeah, as I spoke to before, like you're literally there fully exposed with your body, with your emotions, and also the more the more you try to hide, the more obvious you become.

SPEAKER_02 18:05

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:07

And uh you've mentioned that uh you were in some shadowy spaces. Uh, did you notice the difference with your current teacher, with Paula? The difference that she's a woman as well? Or that had nothing to do with gender as well?

SPEAKER_00 18:22

I never thought of it that way. But as soon as you say it, and when I refer back to the moments that I didn't feel people were in integrity with their teachings or with their offerings of Yoni Masaj, they were all men.

SPEAKER_01 18:37

I'm asking because I my journey to Tantra started with a guru in Thailand, which you know about, who tried to manipulate me after financially and energetically. So I have my first taste was of someone who had zero moral grounds to this, but I guess it's the fastest path, it's advertised as the fastest path to reaching certain awakening, let's say, or enlightenment. And that will attract certain people. We live in a times when also everybody wants quick results, and some people have certain abilities or powers, and they want to use them for their own benefit.

SPEAKER_00 19:12

Yeah, and that like also speaks to the amount of integrity you need to really embody to be in the guru, teacher, leader, facilitator role, and the amount of discernment you need to have as an individual to not get sucked in to exactly that guru stereotype who's here to heal you.

SPEAKER_01 19:31

And then chicks are throwing themselves at you anyway, and then as we know, most men in power struggle with saying no to depth.

SPEAKER_00 19:37

Yeah, and that's the shadow side of this, which is existing very strongly. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:46

How did you get into teaching people about sexuality? You said you've done some workshops, but how how was that journey for you through through your times?

SPEAKER_00 19:54

Thinking back on it, I feel I was teaching almost every lover I had about sexuality. I think that's a job for all of us. So that was the starting point. Um, but then yeah, of course, I started my own journey with Tantra and started working, giving Tantra sessions, Tantra massage, and this quite naturally evolved into me then stepping into a teaching position also for the Tantra studio journey within. Um, I think it's quite natural for me, especially as my role as a mama, to be very clear at telling people what to do and how to do it. It comes very natural. So, anyway, this kind of teaching, communicating, sharing is my thing. And then combined it with the tantrum massage, it just came together. And yeah, a lot of experience, a lot of working with people, individuals, couples, workshops. And that was just kind of how the ball got rolling.

SPEAKER_01 20:55

And you mentioned your mama too, and you work, you are now working a lot with mothers as well, utilizing, I guess, your experience and your niche. Um, you want to tell us a little more about this? And and maybe what are the kind of challenges that the moms faced, or how is it different working with moms than the regular folk?

SPEAKER_00 21:13

Are we irregular? Uh yeah, no, no, you're special. Special for sure. Yeah, yeah. So, of course, I work with mamas a lot because I myself am a mother. And I also feel that my journey, my life, began with motherhood, and not because of my child, but because of how I then started to experience myself as a woman in my body, in my power, actually, maybe for the first time in my life, and in my sexual empowerment. Um so this combination kind of brought me to the point of realizing there is a lot of women, mothers out there that are just pouring them whole their whole selves into motherhood and losing themselves along the way. And yeah, the world is not gonna benefit from a bunch of humans raised by depleted mothers. So I have this very strong feeling to support women in their journeys of, I wouldn't say exactly parenthood or motherhood, but their journey of staying a woman whilst being a mother. And yeah, I do this in many different ways. The sensual somatic uh workshops, sensual somatic containers I could create with them. I also do a lot of postpartum work. So supporting them to come back into their body and their sexuality after giving birth. Um, this came through and to me because this was a huge topic for me. Um after I gave birth, my yeah, my drive, my even ability to feel myself as a sexual being disappeared for maybe one, two years. There was just uh ghost town and I was yeah, lost in this. And it came back to me through Tantra, uh, through receiving a Tantra massage. And that yeah, kind of spiraled me into my own journey of supporting other women to find themselves back and allowing them the space to to feel themselves as women and not just identify as I'm a mother now and everything has to go towards that, but finding the power in being a mother and becoming a powerful, embodied, sexy badass woman, because that's what they are, what we are. And one of the challenges that I see come over and over again is shame. Shame to even want to take an hour or two hours for themselves to come and receive a massage, or shame for not feeling sexy anymore. So there's a lot of shame wrapped up in this, in this topic.

SPEAKER_01 23:56

And I guess the Puritan views of current society as well, especially all the Ryan Wingers out there, is like the woman who gave birth. A mother is no longer a sexual being. She is of the cards, but then also when she doesn't want to have sex, she shouldn't be surprised that her husband is cheating on her.

SPEAKER_00 24:14

Yeah, and that's like the the descent, like the the only goes downhill from here. Possibility when you become a mother. You're just a milk cow now.

SPEAKER_01 24:24

Just yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:25

Yeah, and it that's that's also a phase of it, but you can always have the power to to redirect and yeah, claim, claim it. Like I also thought, oh, one day when I'm a mother, like my body will be destroyed, my pussy will be destroyed, I'll be done, you know. But totally the opposite. Like, since I gave birth, I've never had so much sensation in my body. I feel that birthing a human birthed my pussy into life, also. The sensation, the pleasure, and the power. And this is accessible to every single woman, regardless of her circumstances. It doesn't matter what's out because it's anyway all inside. So just to bring the woman back into remembrance of what is possible and not to fall into this, yeah, you're just a milk machine, you're just a wife, you're a mother, your life's over. No, my love, it's like really just beginning. But I also am here to remind that and also show that that's possible. Like that's also a big part of my journey. As you've seen maybe online, I share a lot about my journey as a mother in the most raw and potentially controversial way because I still live my life as a very free and sexual open being, whilst raising a child who is just blossoming in this environment. So to see that I'm managing that side and still raising a yeah, normal child, that this is possible, this is what I want to spark in other mamas.

SPEAKER_01 26:03

And it also shows how it is it inspires your children too, seeing someone who is themselves, who's free, who's active rather than just someone who constantly controls you, because at some point you just become a controlling machine too, if you're obsessively just focusing on your child, I assume.

SPEAKER_00 26:19

Yeah, also, and also if you end your life to give them life, they will carry that burden burden for the rest of their life, consciously or unconsciously. But imagine being a little girl and seeing your mama just free and expressed and happy and alive. Versus I gave everything up for you. Exactly. Which you hold a grudge, I guess, for for a while. Of course, from both sides. What kind of relationship is that? We're like mostly a whole generation of uh adults that don't even have a relationship to our parents. So I really hope to try and flip that script as much as I can by bringing the parents into an empowered state of parenting so that the next generation feels also empowered. Wow, doing cats work here.

SPEAKER_01 27:07

We are um what's the I mean you've you've shared a little bit because it influenced very much your your teachings as well. What's kind of your story of becoming a mom? What's um had so how was the relationship of being a mom? Was it always like this? Did you have also some ups and downs along the way? How did you how did you get impregnated?

SPEAKER_00 27:32

Well, it's a little bit something like this. Funny, my daughter was conceived um here in Berlin. As I was leaving Berlin to fly to Guatemala, I was at the point like, I'm done, I'm leaving this city, I need to be the free bird that I am. I'm gonna fly to Guatemala, I'm leaving my partner. I love you so much, but I'm leaving, do my thing. I did that. We said goodbye a few hours before the airport and we made it a full goodbye. And three, two weeks later, I'm in Guatemala. It's New Year's uh Eve. I'm drinking a cacao infused with mushrooms, tripping in this beautiful valley in uh Guatemala. And in my trip, I start to to realize I'm pregnant. And I'm like, oh, this is such a weird trip. Okay, um, I'm gonna go with it. And it was telling me, chill, no more party, don't take any drugs, because there's a there's a human growing in your belly. Holy shit. And I I sat in a woman's circle, then the next day I'm like, I just had a really intense trip that I'm pregnant. I don't think I am, but you know, this this is what's happening for me. And then a week and a half passes, my birthday passes, and my blood did not arrive. So the no, sorry, the day before my my birthday, I was drinking a beer and having a pizza, and I was like, I'm gonna go buy a test. I'm like exploring this little side streets in Guatemala on Google Maps, trying to find a pharmacy. There's no pharmacy. There's like a little house with a little boy standing at a window, and I have to show him on my on my Google Translate pregnancy test, and he's like, okay, and he runs off back into his house and comes out with a pregnancy test, and I take it there and then at Lake Attidlan, and there was immediately two lines on a pink pregnancy test, and I knew like all the circumstances around my life did not support that this is my moment to become a mother, but I knew as soon as I seen these two lines, this is my girl, this is my my daughter. Did you know it's a girl? Did you feel it was a girl? Yeah. I had felt a little girl in my my field for a while. I had another pregnancy some years before that ended. And after this, I had an oracle reading, and the first card that he pulled was the a picture of a little girl, and he was like, Ah, this is the the little girl, the little soul that you said goodbye to a few years ago. She's telling me to let you know that she's gonna come back, but when the time is right. So I knew that in this moment this was her and this was my my time. Oh yeah. So she came to me in a very, very beautiful way.

SPEAKER_01 30:28

And um, what did you pack your bags and come back to Berlin or you just well?

SPEAKER_00 30:32

No, I met my I met her baby daddy pack his bags and come to me. Good. And then we explored Mexico for a few months in the first trimester of pregnancy. Everything made me want to puke and never want to see another taco. Um, yeah, and then lockdown corona came and we flew back to Berlin, nested, and had the most beautiful ideal nest of a pregnancy. And this is like for me, this saying when people tell me I'm not ready to have a child, I'm like, you will never be ready to have a child. And if you think you're ready to have a child, you're definitely not ready to have a child.

SPEAKER_01 31:12

Yeah, yeah, definitely.

SPEAKER_00 31:14

Yeah, the child will come to you when they're ready. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:19

You said you've um you've had some postpartum, postpartum issues as well. So the beautiful pregnancy, but then obviously it usually happens that the stuff after it's like the hormonal flash is insane, right?

SPEAKER_02 31:32

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 31:33

Yeah, I also believe that anything unresolved in us as a woman, or even from our own mother or their own mother, comes through when we give birth. I believe you literally birthed the lineage with the next child, and I felt this deeply with my daughter. And the first moment that I felt and understood this was the first time that she latched on my breast to breastfeed. And I just had a physical, tangible sensation go through every vein in my body of pure sadness. I just felt the deepest sadness I've ever felt in my life, and I couldn't comprehend what it was. I didn't even tell anybody. I was so terrified that this is now what it is or this is how it feels. And it passed, and with that came the understanding that this sadness was my sadness because my mother chose not to breastfeed me. I was never breastfed, and I understood that this pain was my grief of not having been breastfed. And so that was the first understanding, and then it also continues on from there, like there's nothing more confrontational than yeah, being a parent, actually, in ways that I cannot even describe with words. It's just a constant mirror of your shortcomings or the parts of you that you have haven't integrated in so many ways, and so you're going through this whole hormonal roller coaster, you're tending to a little human who needs you 24-7, and you're dealing with literally transgenerational shit that's not yours all at once.

SPEAKER_01 33:15

So no surprise, people are sometimes like, I don't want to do this. You cannot be prepared for that. Like, there is not even a way to prepare someone for that, and that's also where I love to be able to yeah, understand and hold women in this moment, and make them feel I think the the biggest problem is when people people think women think that it's their fault, that they maybe there's something wrong with them, or they're not loving the child enough, not without realizing all this baggage that is coming along the way for them to face to even decipher what is this and is this even mine? Yeah, it's my shit, no, someone else is from before, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:54

Yeah, and maybe both. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:57

Going back to your sexual journey, because you said the motherhood was kind of like a big opening for you. How did it all start for you? You said you had the story of kind of like shadows of sexuality. How did it all start at maybe your teenage years losing virginity?

SPEAKER_00 34:14

Oof. Well, when I'm very honest, it began way too early for me. Like my first sexual experience was when I was four and being molested. And it was in a very, very delicate moment of mine and my family's life where there was not really the focus and attention on me because of a death. My sister passed away. And of course, my parents were deep in their own grief, which now as a parent I get. It took me many years of blaming actually them. And so there then came this situation where I was, yeah, ultimately molested by a family friend. But in a moment where I wasn't getting attention from other people. So it wasn't this thing of, oh, I'm being molested or this is bad. It was like, oh, somebody's paying me attention and I'm getting it through sexual interaction. So that was my first imprint. And therefore, that imprint kind of brought me through my life using my sexuality to get attention, to get love, to get noticed. Um so there was a lot of distortion in my sexuality and my field of sexuality because of this initial imprint. Um, but of course, this was my goal. Like it took me a lot of a lot of work to transmute that into what I do now. But that was the initial uh introduction to sexuality. But then, of course, when I got to the point that I chose to experience my sexuality my way, I chose it a lot. Like, for example, the the first time I lost my virginity, I was so disappointed with it on the on the same night that I went and I found another man to come and do it again. Damn girl. Yeah. And it was a very fruitful exploration of sexuality. Like I was way too sexual for my own for my own well-being and for my age. How old were you? When I lost my virginity, 14. 14, yeah. Early as well, yeah. Yeah. Where did you grow up? In Ireland. Where in Ireland? In a very small town. I went to an all-girls Catholic school. I left as well as I could. Yeah, I was uh definitely a sexual freak in that environment. Also, I guess Catholic as well. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, for sure. I was the slut.

SPEAKER_01 36:52

Because for me, also I come from like a Catholic background in Poland, too. And when there is so much suppression, you end up being that also gives you an ocean of freedom. I remember in my I was at uni in the UK too, when it was all about going out on a weekend, getting late, and that was, in a way, a reaffirmation of your worth. It was a fulfilled night, but also that's the way you get attention and love from someone. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 37:15

Combined with no intimacy.

SPEAKER_01 37:17

Yes, combined with feeling that you are being free and independent because you are doing these hookups as well.

SPEAKER_00 37:24

So but in hindsight, I see that as being myself abusing myself sexually. Like when I think back on all the experiences, or I share, like, yes, at this age I experience sexual molestation. When I'm really honest, I was the one who abused my body more than anybody else. And also thinking I was empowering myself.

SPEAKER_01 37:48

Or allowed other people to abuse it more.

SPEAKER_00 37:51

Also, yeah. Yeah. But all the golds wouldn't come out without it, as I guess. So exactly, and that's why it all makes so much sense now. But it was a lot of transmutation and like moving out of that dark, sticky, traumatic space into yeah, a more truly empowered way of experiencing myself sexually. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 38:19

How was it with your booboo when you met him for the first time?

SPEAKER_00 38:22

With baby daddy, yes. I was so young. I was a child, like 24, 25 when I met him. A lot of projection, again, a lot of uh using myself to get love. And I believe that was definitely my last relationship. We're no longer together, we co-parent. Um, my last relationship that I will ever allow that dynamic to happen again. That that relationship and bringing a child into existence through what we created made me see it all really for what it is and how much projection we can build on people. I wanted a family so much, I wanted that feeling of being anchored in this world that I met this man and I was like, it's you, I'm gonna put it all on you, and that's it. And I realized it was just all castles in the sky, projections.

SPEAKER_01 39:23

We're so often not with the person, we are just with an image in our heads.

SPEAKER_00 39:28

Fully, yeah. And once that projection screen breaks, you're like, Whoa, yeah, where was I?

SPEAKER_01 39:33

Surprise, motherfucker! Yeah, yeah, it's scary shit, honestly. We do live in the world of the shadows.

SPEAKER_00 39:41

Yeah. And also we live in Berlin. I feel it's the city of the shadows. Yeah, but to live, live in those shadows whilst recognizing they're the shadows is ultimately what brings us to the light. Without being all love and light and corny and cheesy, it's really the shadows that we can alchemize everything. Otherwise, what is it?

SPEAKER_01 40:02

Given your um very early explorative salate experiences, when did you realize the power of sexual energy? And what is sexual energy for you?

SPEAKER_00 40:14

Well, as I shared, I kind of felt the sexual, the power of sexual energy very early on and how I could use it as a currency to get what I what I wanted. I also put myself in many situations where I could literally use my sexuality and sexual energy as currency. I worked for many years in a strip club. I worked as a dancer. When I dance, I it's my channel to emit and transmit my sexual energy. And this was getting me not just attention but money. But again, it was still very distorted. And this is then where it played into discovering my sexuality in a tantric way. The first time that I experienced my sexuality for myself, not as a performance, not as a um intimate, not with a partner, was through receiving a tantrum massage. And that was the first time I experienced my sexual energy, my pleasure, just for me. And then I realized the power of what it can unlock in me, not what I can get from all around me, but what I can unlock in me, that it's anyway all inside me. And that was the the gateway into experiencing my sexual energy in that way, and then realizing how fucking sacred it is, and that's when the doors shut. As soon as I discovered Tantra, there was no more fucking around. That was gone. Yeah, yeah. The more you shouldn't be leaking out there. No, no, I've never been so uh leaking and wet and celibate all at once. I'm not celibate, but I'm not fucking around. Yeah, same. It's very precise who gets to come close now.

SPEAKER_01 42:07

Yeah, and um, I guess a lot of times when we experience the like you've mentioned before, with tantric massage or tantric sexy, you think someone else is bringing it to you, but then you end up realizing they are just opening a window in you that it was always there, but you need a mirror of someone else to be able to sometimes incorporate it within yourself.

SPEAKER_00 42:30

Fully. And like I think the most like simple way I can I often explain it because this concept is not so easy for everyone to grasp, but to really like understand it, it's like you imagine when you're ovulating, yeah? You know how much you feel yourself when you're ovulating and you have sex with a man and it's like wah and you feel like wow, that was so good. But then you could have the same sex with the same man two weeks later when you're PMSing and you feel like shit, and you're like, that was shit. Like, what? And nothing he didn't change. Our state of being, how we're feeling ourselves, that's what changed. And that's basically also how the interactions, how the relating works is how we're feeling ourselves is then how we can feel from out. And then you can create, of course, something.

SPEAKER_01 43:17

And then we can do it together, but it is coming from you, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 43:20

Yeah, yeah. But then exactly when you meet someone who's on the same page or in the same level of embodiment or understanding, then the microphone.

SPEAKER_01 43:32

Oopsie, wild. And you mentioned you've been a dancer before, a stripper, a bullet dancer. Um, you still dance, and um, how did your relationship to dancing change?

SPEAKER_00 43:46

And what does it give you? I've been dancing for as long as I could remember. Like, as long as I remember, I was dancing in the mirror, also quite inappropriately. Like I love to dance sexy and I remember dancing quite sexy. See quite young. Um, and yeah, my my dance and how I move my body is also a way that I get what I want or get who I want. Sometimes I'm yeah, not not using words to pull in men. I use my body. Used to use my body. Um I never say never, but now I a select man. Yes, a select man. He gets it all now. Um, yeah. But I started to then realize hey, this is really like a big part of me, and it gets me a lot of attention. How can I utilize and monetize this? And I moved to Berlin and I had uh many amazing women friends who were working in a strip club here, and they loved it. It was like always the topic of conversation, and they were like, Come come join. So I got an audition and I went there, and that was kind of no turning back. I also realized how much of an attention slut I am. Like to be on stage and using my body and my sexual energy and just know that all these eyes are watching me. It's like I enjoy. But yeah, also this world is again to speak to the shadows, it was shadowy because we're working with sexual energy ultimately in a strip club, and we work with money and we work with substances, alcohol, whatever else is present in the space. So you bring all these elements into a space, it's not sustainable. For me, it's not sustainable. So that brought me into a very interesting place of knowing that I want to do this. I love to do it, but I don't want to do it in this environment. So that then led to the birth of uh another project of mine, uh co-creation project of mine. I do it with my amazing sister Anya, and that's the House of Soul strip. And this is what was birthed from. We worked also together in the strip club, and we were like, wait, this is not for us. Like it's stinky, we have to stay up till 6 a.m. There's a lot of bitchy dynamics, there's a lot of alcohol, but we just want to dance and feel free and express ourselves. How can we bring this up? And so we created what was initially called the Conscious Strip Club. That was our first uh prototype. This ruffled a lot of feathers amongst the stripper community and sex worker community here in Berlin because the using of the word conscious indicates that otherwise is unconscious, which was not the intention at all. But of course, I can see in hindsight that was yeah, how it can be perceived to some people. So then we reframed and rebirthed it, rebirthed it as the house of soul strip. Yeah, so that's another uh project and baby I have present in my life, another offering. And that's a temple.

SPEAKER_01 47:01

Temple night? How would you describe it? What would happen so? Tell us more so people can.

SPEAKER_00 47:05

Yeah, so it's a two-day container. I wouldn't frame it as a temple. Uh, it's a two-day container. The first day is a workshop. So it's where the people who want to perform, who want to soul strip, as we call it, come and we guide them through like a four or five-hour experience of really getting to shed the layers. So we're not just stripping clothes, we're literally shedding layers of shame, shame around sexuality, shame around being seen, and getting to that point where they feel really empowered to show themselves in their expression. And the pole, we kind of see it as this like anchor between the earth and the ether and everything in between. And that's your way to find yourself in between that space. And it's not just traditional stripping or pole dancing, it's actually can be nothing about pole dancing or stripping. It's just bringing your most authentic version to be seen and to be witnessed and to feel yourself in a space where you're not just there to be consumed or you're not there to perform. Of course, those elements can come, and there's an element of that always of performing when you're dancing, but in a way that's still very keeping with your authentic self. And then the second day we have the House of Souls trip event, which is always so beautiful and so fun. And this is where all of our performers then perform on stage. We have a crowd, we always have people come then just to view as guests. And this is also quite a unique experience because a lot of people never visit a strip club because they're like, oh, that's a bit seedy, or they feel shame to go there and to allow themselves to enjoy watching other people dance freely or express themselves in a free and sexual way. There's also shame on the other side. So it's basically creating the environment and the container for people to come and be seen and for people to come and see and experience themselves in both roles.

SPEAKER_01 49:05

It's beautiful, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 49:06

Yeah, and it's a very ritualistic, artistic, creative space. We also invite in like guest artists, there's a lot of poetry, different performances. Maybe stand up soon, yeah. Let's see. I might be there. Yeah, do you know anyone? Yeah. So that's a kind of overview of the container.

SPEAKER_01 49:25

It's very interesting to mention also the fact that the audiences, it's a freer space for them, and I guess also for women. Um, I've um attended uh a show called Magic Dyke, which is a Flint show uh with pretty much Flint audiences, too. And there was so much fun, so much stripping, and so much without the male gaze in the room, it just felt so much less seedy in a way. So much less seedy. Yeah. We were just, you know, everybody's laughing and and snapping the fingers and cheering, and it was sexy, but it was also supportive and friendly and non-degrading in a way. I don't know. There was a there's a totally different vibe in the room. Um, and I guess this is bringing the appreciation of sensuality to people who would be put off by certain containers.

SPEAKER_00 50:17

Yeah, for sure. And this is also another element of working in the actual strip club was yeah, the the men, the customers, the clients that showed up were not particularly the men that I wanted to give myself to. And this is also why we then created the container where we could really attract people who understood our language, understood our mission, understood really what we're doing here. Like already, when people land on our Instagram or our website, they're not understanding the language if they're just there for this consummation experience of someone, a woman's sexuality, because it's so much more deeper than that. That already the language, they cannot get through it. If they get through the language and understand really the essence of what we're creating, they are a safe person to be in this space. And I love spaces with just women, female, females. However, it's a bubble also. Of course. Because I can go to sister circle after sister circle after sister circle, and we can all cry about the men, the pain that men have caused us and the patriarchy. And at some point, I'm like bored and I feel trauma-dumbed. Like, let's bring in the men, let's be together on the same page and all create harmony and feeling safe together. And this is also a big mission of the House of Solcer because men also come to perform and they're also putting themselves in the position of being vulnerable and being seen. Like some of the most powerful and emotional performances we've had are by men. Wow. Because they finally get to put themselves on this stage that they've maybe put women on their whole life, and they get to feel on the other side a little bit how it is. And also for women to sit on the side and observe and see a man express themselves in this raw way is also really potent. So I'm all for working together, men and women, and everything in between and around.

SPEAKER_01 52:13

Yeah, I think what you mentioned also as well, like this is very important. The fact that it's less about consuming someone else and more about admiring the expression of themselves.

SPEAKER_00 52:24

Yeah. Yeah, like in a performance I did recently, I finished my poem with see me, but do not consume me. Like see me as a part of you, because that's what it is. But that's also an unlock for other people to understand, is to appreciate without wanting to take it in for yourself. And I'm on board with including men.

SPEAKER_01 52:47

It's time.

SPEAKER_00 52:48

How are we gonna heal without I know exactly, exactly?

SPEAKER_01 52:51

It's so easy to this whole divisive agenda of for everything, whether it's gender or sexuality, this is all leading us to just hating on each other this more.

SPEAKER_00 53:01

Yeah, no, that's not gonna go anywhere. That's also something I realize a lot through this work that I'm doing, like with Tantra Massage and teaching Tantra massage to men. I still feel like I can say, yeah, I work with women, with women and for women, because I realized the most powerful work I've ever done for women is working with the man. Like working with the man, teaching them how to massage and touch a woman. I recently had a man whose wife sent him there, they've been married maybe 15 years or something like this, and she sent him there to this workshop to learn yoni massage. And I felt this woman sitting in the room, she was not there, but I felt this wife sitting in the corner being like, finally, finally, because I'm seeing how he's touching, and I'm like, this poor woman, you know. So then I'm learning, I'm going with him through this fundamentals of slowing down, of being receptive, of feeling, of la la la. And I know that then that's getting brought home to the woman. And that's the most powerful work with women you can do is to work with the men. And I wish every woman to have this understanding and capacity to work with the men.

SPEAKER_01 54:16

Or to send your boyfriend or husband to you, to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Again, I'm doing God's work here.

SPEAKER_00 54:24

Hashtag not a healer. Hashtag not a healer, yes.

SPEAKER_01 54:27

Let's make this happen. Hashtag not a healer. I was throwing up one idea, I was like, I'm gonna put my new profile out there, and I was like, healer. I was like, no, no, maybe a little shaman, not even L, like a little like a like a rapper, you know. Lil Shaman. A little shaman. Um, what are you into? What are you into yourself? What kinks are you into? What turns you on in a person?

SPEAKER_00 54:49

Interesting. I'm beginning to realize I'm probably more vanilla than I would like to admit. And I feel this is probably because I've tried and tested so many things that right now my biggest kink is safety and just being loved in a very safe, held, and supported container, which is finally what's in my life. That's pretty kinky.

SPEAKER_01 55:13

If you think kinky being an abnormal thing from the rule, that's kinky.

SPEAKER_00 55:19

Exactly. But yeah, I think also like with my role as mama, my role as facilitator, I feel there's like so much I'm holding in my life that my biggest kink is to be a baby. Not like literally not diversity. Not not this level of kink, but I have a daddy, like my partner, he's my daddy, and I'm his baby. And so I can have like my five days of being mama holding it all together, and I go to him and he's like, hey baby, and I'm like, Daddy. So yeah, I'm definitely into the baby daddy kink. This would be my primary one, and pain, of course, and surrender. I love to have no choice, no options. He can just take full control, and I'm yours. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 56:06

I guess that's also reflective from our busy lives when we have to do so much. A lot of times, people who are in charge tend to find release in submissive roles because of all the stuff they have to carry on their shoulders all the time.

SPEAKER_00 56:19

Totally. And I I experience it also on the other side. Like my work is primarily, primarily dominant, not as a dominatrix or something. I've played in these realms, but when I hold sessions, when I guide sessions, I'm I'm holding, I'm dominating in my own way, and a lot of men also. And I've had men that come from all walks of life, all different, um, yeah, powerful titles, jobs, etc. And once they're there on that mat, they're just like jelly. Like they just want to do nothing, they just want to be totally held, guided, and submit to me. But then in my my personal, in my bedroom or in his bedroom, I want to be in that role. Yeah. Yeah, I don't want to do any work. Fair enough. I mean, I'm happy to do work. Yeah, yeah. But just whatever he tells me to do. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 57:13

Yeah. I think that's also uh often um misconceptions about uh certain power dynamics, too, that the uh the dominatrix is doing all the work or doing what she wants, but actually the or the daddy is about taking care of the submissive and creating a space, but you still have to be so attuned, and it's so much work and it's so much caring of the container that it's not just like whipping someone around and then and that's it. And same with being a submissive too, it's just it's still you know, just laying there, there's still stuff you have to deal with yourself too a lot and let go too.

SPEAKER_00 57:47

Fully. And I I also truly believe you need to be able to fully embody both roles to be both roles. Yes, to apply. Like a dominant cannot just be a dominant unless they've experienced how it is to submit and vice versa. Yeah. To some level, of course. It's not fairly.

SPEAKER_01 58:02

Yeah, I think it's important to uh see what the other what the person in the other position is feeling, what is it, what is happening and experience from a person. I mean, I when I I was more on a dominating side, and then I was like, I gotta try it out, and I hired a dominatrix. Um because I was like, if I'm gonna be a good dom, I have to see what a good dom does and what kind of you need to understand what they're feeling in this different moment of the of the container.

SPEAKER_00 58:28

Yeah, and then I could hook on the other side too.

SPEAKER_01 58:30

So it's just like okay, we all end up where we're supposed to be. And you had a preference? Uh no, I don't. I think more submissive, actually, at the moment, yeah, but more like a pleasure dome I'm looking for. I'm not really into like extreme pain or anything. Yeah, it's more like uh just surrendering, but that's also been a theme of my life over the last year or two, and it's really trying to surrender and let go and trust and that's big work, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 58:59

Simple words, big work. Yeah, and finding the right person that you can truly surrender and feel safe in that yeah so everybody be busy.

SPEAKER_01 59:14

We all have a hobby now. Is there anything you consider taboo?

SPEAKER_00 59:20

Funnily enough, no, good, like I really thought about this, and there's nothing like I love what would be considered taboo, like anything taboo, and I'm like, yes, like for me, there is no taboo because it's just being human. Like, we have so such a spectrum of humanness, like there's so much to feel and explore that the fact that there's even things that are taboo, it's like, what? I mean, of course, it can make it fun when it's like things, you know, a bit naughty and it adds an extra layer of excitement, but there would never be a taboo that I would place a judgment on someone for having. Of course, there's definitely things that are taboo, but they feed me, they give me a lot of like excitement, but they're not tied into shame or judgment. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:13

And I guess that links to Tantra too, which is everything, every part of our lives is divine, even the parts that are gross or complicated or traumatized, or you know, led from wound or evil if you look at it too, you know. There is none of that because everything is just consciousness exploring itself playing. So exactly. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:33

Yeah, it's like the whole human experience, and it's only what we decide to label good, bad, taboo, not taboo. Like, who even decided that? We know who decided that. We know who decided that. Exactly. And that's why I also don't want to feed into agreeing that something is taboo.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:50

Yeah, I mean, we did certain things are wrapped in shame and taboos for a reason to keep us also at a certain level of awareness and freedom.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:59

So yeah, and that's also then what feeds this whole world of creating these containers or spaces where we can actually explore taboos in a contained and supported way. If there was no taboos, I probably wouldn't have any work. Yeah, true. And it's the fact that I don't find them taboo, is then I'm able to support and work in this field in yeah, this way I do. Help heal the world. One penis at a time.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:27

One penis at a time uh final tips for better sex.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:36

Tips for better sex have more sex with yourself, have as much sex with yourself as possible. Discover your own body, discover how you like to be touched, what turns you on. Yeah, really get to know yourself before you bring another person in. Because the more you know yourself, then the more you're gonna align with someone who knows themselves and therefore can know you. And then the sex and the connection is just gonna be on every layer magnified. Yeah. And a good glass of red wine always gets me going to oh, and oysters. And oysters, okay. So, yeah, I can preach as much as I want, is not wanting things from outside, but sometimes a glass of wine and oysters and a sexy lighting is a good catalyst for a good fuck.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:24

Or enlightenment potentially.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:26

Can you fuck your way to enlightenment? For sure, but with a lot of discernment and discerning sexual gurus, healers, magic penises. Magic penises. Yeah. Yes, you can definitely fuck your way to enlightenment, but you need a hell of a lot of discernment to get there. And we wish you good luck with that. Thank you very much. So happy to have you. Thank you.